Once a Mom always a Mom?

Here go the tears again. After 22 years, one would think that I would have accepted the attitude or choices made by my in-laws toward my children. No, I haven't because I'm the one who has to look at the disappointment on their faces and answer the question why. Are my feelings hurt by my in-law’s actions, or are these tears because I cannot keep my children from the disappointments of life? On the other hand, am I causing my children's reaction by showing my feelings toward the choices of my in-laws?

A little history......

For the past 23 years I have tolerated and supported my husband being an obvious 2nd choice to his sister in his parent’s life. The actions made by my in-laws to make me choose the word obvious will be saved for another post! My older children, now aged 20,17, and 17 were born first then my sister in-law’s first child was born 2 weeks after my youngest child who are now 12 yrs old. For about 15 years, my in-laws lived in their motor home and traveled from national parks to state parks and so on working for their space rental and really to support themselves. They would park at our house for a couple months in the winter and this is when they would bond, as they called it, with my older children. Of course, the children were not allowed to go to the motor home any time they wished, but only at set times that were strictly enforced by my mother in-law according to my father in-law. It is very difficult to explain to 3 year olds and a 5 year old why they can't go to Grandma's house when their house is parked in our yard! However, there are beautiful memories that my older children have of these times and love to talk about them.

Now enters my sister in-law’s oldest child and my youngest child. My children were dropped hard and fast and were replaced by sister in-law’s oldest child. My youngest child never had a chance. (This choice made my in-laws was supported and has been kept extremely healthy by my sister in-law for the past 12 years.) Yikes, how does one explain why grandma and grandpa don't come to visit us anymore and we only see them if we are invited to their Aunts house? There was always some excuse by my in-laws to decline any invitation that we extended unless it involved a BBQ with all the relatives.

In the past year, an invitation to attend my daughter's 12th birthday party was declined because grandpa was tired. Well two weeks later, the in-laws attended the other grandchild’s 12th birthday party and this cousin told my 12 year old "ha ha grandma and grandpa are here for my party and didn’t go to yours". Nice kid or should I say wonderful parenting? I come to find out after this incident that these comments are not the first. My youngest then tells her older sisters that she has been putting up with this for a long time from all of the cousins who range in age from 12 years old to 3 years old. My older girls were fit to be tied not to mention my desired reaction when I heard this. I didn't do anything other than try to smooth my daughters ruffled feathers and let the older girls loose to protect their baby sister! My husband asked me many years ago to overlook his parent’s actions, so I did because it appeared that my older girls were content with their relationship with his parents. That request is now mute because our oldest is over 18 and the twins are only a few months shy of 18. They have been taught to confront the person that they have issues with to resolve these issues instead of letting them fester. I, because of the request by my husband, kept the girls from confronting their grandparents in prior years but that is no longer the case. This has and will make for very interesting family gatherings!

My parents are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. They have treated my children and my brothers’ children as equally as possible considering that I live in a different state than they do. My brothers and my parents (now only my mother as my father passed away 5 years ago) live in the same city so my parents had more readily access to their other grandchild than they did to my children. However, that didn't keep them from being as involved in my children's lives as they were in my nieces and nephews lives. I do realize that my parents retired many years ago and did travel at will. My mother still lives this same very active life style. My father in-law is 80 plus years with old age health issues and my mother in-law is 64 years old and still working and will probably still work for at least another 6 years.

Back to the present.......

Yesterday, was a marching band competition involving on of my twins. She is a senior in high school and this is the last year that we will see her in band. I gave my in-laws including my sister in-law the football games and competitions she would be performing at so that they can see her perform. Of course, there are excuses for not attending which really doesn't disappoint me. What I find hurtful and see it in the expressions of my girls is that grandpa is too tired to support my daughters but not too tired to baby-sit with my sister in-laws very young and active children (remember her kids are aged 3 years to 12 years).

Am I causing my children's disappointment and therefore their pain by trying to include their grandparents in their lives? Maybe I'm trying to build a closeness with my in-laws and sister in-law that I no longer have with my mother and brothers because they live out of state and my in-laws are not buying it. Wow, now that’s a thought!